I’m learning something super cool from my friend’s dogs. Every time someone comes in the apartment, every time someone goes to the kitchen, almost every time I get up from the table, the dogs quickly get up from where they’re laying down and wag their tails excitedly, jumping and brushing up against the person.
At first, it’s a bit annoying….this over-zealous intrusion of personal space. And when other dogs did it, I didn’t get why everything was an event. But now I’m seeing and feeling it much differently.
Everything is an event — worth celebrating!
The dogs are celebrating almost every single event. This is an amazing lesson.
Dr. Peebles once told me to celebrate every step of the way in a process as a completion in and of itself. When the toasts pops out fo the toaster, celebrate! When the jam gets spread on, celebrate! When you slice the toast, celebrate! When you take a bite, celebrate!
This goes a long way in nullifying this horrid cultural belief that there is somewhere to “get to” or something to accomplish.
There is only allowing what is in the moment, and celebrating that moment as worthy and deserving of appreciation.
I guess it’s just another form of the Art of Appreciation.
Which gives me an idea of what to title my new book that’s in the works!
This morning, still in the vibe of the Reconnection healing, and the swirling spiritual conversations my friend and I have every day, I received one of my morning quote emails which spoke about insecurity. It made us both laugh and I started to tell her how I had explored the meaning of security a while back.
So I pulled up the document I had made about it and began to read it again. It was formed at the end of February 2008 right before my birthday, by a series of explorations into the topic over several days. You can see the blog postings to get the feel for it (or read them here: http://www.feeltheabundance.com/?m=200802).
Well, by the time I was done re-reading it…..and some of it to her…I got a huge ah-ha.
Security is freedom from care! Care! Caring about something so much that if it’s not “right” you feel insecure. And that’s when it hit me.
I still care too much about money!
It’s like I’m putting way too much emphasis on this one factor of life — a factor, by the way, that I have mostly lived without for the last year and a half! — and ignoring a whole bunch of other stuff, my connection to Source being the biggest impact.
What the frack does this really mean? Or rather, how does it feeling? What can I associate with this so I can learn about it better?
The only trigger I am getting is the reminder of how I sometimes care too much about what someone thinks of me! In other words, when I’m self-conscious.
Now, interestingly enough, I rarely care what people think about me these days. Oh sure, it comes up. But it’s not a theme like it was in my early years. I used to constantly be in fear/concerned with what people thought about me. Why? Because I was insecure in my self-image. And that took a long time to expand to the point I’m at these last many years now.
This says to me that my I am still feeling insecure in “financial-image”. Much less than I ever have. But it’s still there.
So the questions I asked myself in the shower this morning is this: “What would it be like to just not care anymore?”
To just not care about money any more! To not care if and when it comes, where it comes from, how much comes in, what I need to be/do/think to get/earn/receive/allow it. To not be concerned with whether bill get paid or not. To just completely surrender this last piece.
What would that be like?
Initially — very scary in a nervous-nelly sorta way. Secondarily, my mind reflects that letting go of caring about money would therefore guarantee that it’ll never come. Lovely story that is eh? My mind is clearly trying to “protect” me from some unforeseen cataclysmic result of not caring so much about money. And yet I know in my heart that this surrender — the surrender of caring about money — is the key for me. I know in my heart that Well-Being is 100% gauranteed and inevitable. Hmm…
And that’s not to say I haven’t made progress over this journey on this front. I most certainly have. But I’m sensing this piece is huge. Perhaps the biggest, yet simplest and easiest yet. Perhaps it’s as easy as making a decision? Hmmmm.
Heck! I don’t worry/care about money in my video game. And I have tons of it there. Maybe I really AM onto something here.
And my friend I’m staying with keeps encouraging me to teach people about reaching financial freedom without/outside of/away from money. That might just happen. I don’t know. Hmmm. I’m still learning, thankfully.
Well, it’s been just over 2 weeks since my decision for things to be different. And they are…in subtle and not so subtle ways.
For one, I’ve found a lovely place to land, for now, with a dear new friend. We are having amazing conversations, profound spiritual and food explorations, lots of play time with her dogs and in general, great peace and fun. She invited me into her home simply because of who I am and my story. The exchange is a heart and energy exchange — fellow spiritual-growth experiencers on the path of a new becoming. The exchange is NOT one of tasks, and obligations and must do’s in order to stay here.
And this is a HUGE difference. This is what I have wanted. And within, or more from, that place, I offer myself and “do” things around the house, from my heart, with love.
And I’m in Santa Monica, which is awesome, even during June gloom.
What else is different?
I’ve begun looking for work. But even that is changing. I realized that “work”, in my mind, is a four-letter word!! That work still holds certain negative connotations and energetic ties to “something I do to receive money”. Yet I know that I don’t need to “do” anything in order to receive money. It’s there…encompassed in the energy of me and the Universe, awaiting my letting go of attachment to money so that I can allow it in. 
So I’ve decided to reframe this notion. I’m not longer “looking for work”. I’m looking for “avenues for expressing my gifts” or “ways of experiencing my passions”. Within these, money is a given, and a benefit, but not the goal. This feels very freeing to me. AND it incorporates many more possibilities than just “working”.
Lastly, yesterday I received a “healing” from my friend via a body of work called Reconnection. It’s hard for me to describe what is it. But I am being flooded with a deep sense of Light, support, Love and information from the experience. It’s powerful and I’m uncertain what else it holds. But it is clear that this work will play a significant role in what happens for me going forard, because it is the most aligned with the way I view wellness, healing and energy. I think this will further add to my hands-on energy work I call Chakra Touch in a way that refines and expands it. I’m actually thinking of doing some long-distance “healings” and empowerments in the near future.
A powerful insight came to me today, which I will discuss in my next posting.
I hereby decide that, from this moment onward, things in my life are going to be completely different.
I don’t know how. I don’t know what to do about it now. I haven’t the foggiest clue what’s next. But the decision is made!
I’m done with this current reality I’ve been creating. I want it to be different. It’s time to create the one that is living in my heart!
And so it is and so it will be. Amen, holler louder
Yesterday I awoke after a powerfully fun and yummy Sunday, still feeling a tad bit off center. I had this dream of being stranded in Brazil (why Brazil I have no idea). I was there with no flight booked home, no money to book one or change my original flight plans and I was in a panic.
I was accompanied by 2 women. One who was deeply critical — almost feudal and dictatorial about what I should and shouldn’t do — and who was clearly very upset and disapproving. The other was this incredibly loving, grounded, peaceful and supportive woman from Brazil who simply said I could stay with her or one of her friends for as long as I like. No pressure. No obligations. Just to relax and enjoy until I figured out how and when to get home.
And there I was, steeped in my fearful inner child/ego and yet deeply effect by both of these woman. And although I couldn’t quite believe my ears what the Brazilian woman was saying, I was so deeply touched by how her offered so perfectly served me and spoke to my heart that in waking THAT was the impression I carried most with me. It was like she spoke to my heart, through the pain and panic, and opened it in some way.
As my day unfolded, I received more and more reminders to drop deeply into my heart. The biggest of which is this quite from my dear friend Dr. Peebles:
Your heart is the most powerful compass you have.
This struck me deeply and immediately dropped me right back into my heart. And that’s when I remembered.
I want only to live from the heart. Understanding the heart space and emotions IS my gift to the world. And my gift to me is to live from the heart space. I requested this long ago and this grand adventure has been facilitating this more and more in my life.
I wish to follow the most powerful compass that is my heart instead of the shaky, feeble questions that come from my mind.
And from the heart I can easily and simply say, that come this Friday May 21st, I wish to move to a wonderful long-term living situation in Santa Monica, near the ocean, where I feel loved, safe, secure, stable, supported, appreciated, unjudged, allowed to be myself and continue to unfold along the rest of this journey. A paid long-term house sit would be fabulous in this capacity. But it’s the way my heart will feel there that is the most important. This or something better.
May it be so. Easily and effortlessly.
I’m no longer sad today. I can still feel some of it around the edges. But for today, I am content. I am appreciating where I am — this lovely apartment in Santa Monica, house/cat sitting for a dear friend. It is calm, and loving and full of good vibrations. I even vacuumed the house today. It felt right and a loving way to say “thank you”.
Lately I am marvelling at how easy it is for me to be kind and generous to those who are kind and generous toward me. I appreciate those who appreciate me.
When others judge or criticize me, or view me with disapproval, I have very little interest in being anything more than neutral to them.
I do wish to treat all people with love and kindness. And I do my best. But I guess what I’m saying is I don’t feel my natural “generosity” extending to people who are not in a state of appreciation.
Some would say, “of course it’s always easier to love those who love you”. But I think it’s more than this. I “LOVE” humanity. I can separate the human being from the human doing, and offer love. But I do not wish to be generous to those who’s doing I do not appreciate.
Nobody ever said we have to love the things in life we don’t love. That would be going against our guidance. That would be settling. That would be choosing compromise and suffering over our very own emotional guidance.
So for today, I am trusting that All Is Well. I am living in Santa Monica, by the ocean, where I want to be. And I will have a wondeful next place to go on May 21st. And I will figure out what’s best for me on a day-to-day basis.
And when I don’t know the answers to the big picture questions, I will simply enjoy the day and answer the little questions within the day.
I’m not here to better myself. I’m here to be more happy.
I know not what else to do. And trying to figure out “my role in the world” or “what’s the best place/way/vehicle for my work in the world” or “why do I feel so lost sometimes?” or “when will this end?” are all just crazy-making questions. Fearful headless horsemen and boogieman.
All is well. There is only Love. Well-Being is assured.
Haven’t written in a while. Definitely haven’t been feeling up to it. I got back from my “PC blackout week” and discovered that much was about to change.
My social circle in my online game went from tight to scattered in a matter of 48 hours. And I myself was faced with an interesting decision….continue to serve and lead in my current position or step down and start something new. I did the later, much to my enjoyment. Sure there’s been damage control, explanations and growing pains on both sides, but it appears to be for the good of all so far.
The next change was deep waves of grief. I came to my friend’s in Santa Monica to house sit for her and her kittens and proceeded to drop into such a deep sadness that the only thing I could even label it as was grief. I felt so comfortable and relax at her place — not having to walk on eggshells, tip-toe around emotionally, hold back who I really am in the face of the rules and judgements I was living around in Encino, that I just dropped right into the tears. Mostly coming in the morning.
And after 3 days of morning tears I realized…..I am grieving my old life.
Like an old jacket that, while wonderful and in decent shape, no longer fits one’s wardrobe. Or that one habit that not longer seems to feel good anymore, despite it being a great service for years. Or that social circle who no longer feels right. Or the loss of a loved one and finally arriving at the deepest surrender that says “they’re gone. I get it. I’m willing to move on. and I’m still so sad.”
That is my current condition.
I’m back at my friend’s for another week, once again launching into the unknown. As my next place to stay as of May 21st has not yet been revealed.
And as I drop into Santa Monica — which SOO feels like home — and relax into my friend’s apartment, which feels so safe, I cannot help but think that I am on the brink of a huge and profound threshold, as new questions about supporting myself and desires about working seep in — like the feeling of cashing my first paycheck, or the questions of “where is the best place to do my work in the world?”. And for this moment, I have no answers. I am only being.
And as if in response to my questions and yearnings, a dear friend sends me the perfect poem describing where I’m at.
http://naked-heart.com/blog/?p=471
Who am I? I am being. I am love.
What do I do? Move from love. Act from love.
How? I have some ideas, but know not yet fully.
Hmmm…perhaps that revelation is next? Now that’s exciting!