Yesterday’s anger and admittedly quite enjoyable Facebook rant leaves me in an interesting introspective calm today. As does the deep sadness I experienced and released this past Sunday. When I awoke this morning, I was reminded it’s OK to coast.
See just 2 weeks ago today I had two of THE most powerful insights I have ever had on this wild adventure.
On Sunday July 25th, 2010 I was headed to dance class on the bus and found myself judging myself for coasting in my life right now. Coasting meaning not directing, planning, intending anything other than being in the moment, having fun and allowing whatever will be to unfold. And of course, doing my best to stay in a high vibration and in appreciation.
Well I quickly re-framedthis not-good-feeling judgement and within about 1 hour had made peace with coasting right now. It felt good to embrace this, to be in full allowance of it. After a life, and many lifetimes, of always peddling toward something – coasting only when I felt I should rest, but never too long — it’s refreshing to allow myself to coast.
Then on July 27th, 2010, I was walking to Ralph’s to do my shopping, while asking myself those age old bothersome questions of “Who am I? What am I doing with my life? Where is this all going? What does this mean?” And of course, as usually happens, I eventually realize the futility of questions such as those — especially since they just make me feel bad.
This cleared my head and heart for a moment and in came a wonderful new question:
“If I had all the money in the world, or just 2 times enough, coming in every month without having to work for it, how would I live my life?”
And I was amazed at the answer.
Not very differently.
Oh sure, I’d have more toys, live in a different place — my dream place overlooking the Pacific Ocean — I’d travel more and eat out more, probably buy my friends stuff. But essentially, I would still play video games alot, walk the beach, go out to eat, hang with friends and go to dance.
I would just be and have fun, like I’m doing now.
And that’s when the most potent part of this hit me — you mean to tell me that the money doesn’t really make a difference?
I’m still integrating this. I’m still puzzled by this. And admittedly, it’s hard for me to allow myself to feel OK with coasting on a daily basis — especially when I was sick in bed last week, running low on toiletries and frustrated about various things in my life.
So here I am today, remembering these awareness, sort of on the other side of anger and sadness….although I feel other rants and rave boiling under the surface — like one about people and giving money — allowing myself once again to be ok withcoasting and STILL dealing with massive uncertainty on many fronts.
At least I know things ARE moving, thanks to the anger and sadness coming up! Hahaha!
Today I wrote a series of posts and comments on Facebook that had power, depth, insight and raw expression….of ANGER. I post it here in it’s entirety, just because. It sorta reads like a poem, and I like that.
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“Greg Phillips is so pissed off that it hurts.
He also thinks that people in general don’t really care…not because they aren’t capable of caring…but because it’s too hard for them to truly be present to someone else’s challenges and pain without having their own fears, judgements, interpretations and that ever presssing need to “offer a solution”……
…instead of just shutting the fuck up and listening with their heart and holding space. I know I’m guilty of this.
And it is for THIS reason that he is NOT asking for help from anyone right now, when he clearly needs it, beecause he thinks people in general are incapable of giving the exact help that is asked for. And he doens’t want to be judged or viewed badly for his journey, which few truly understand.
Having said that, and realizing it all is really just one vast illusion and a car could hit him later today or a hug or kind word could melt his heart and it would all shift in an instant…..
….he hopes that maybe, just maybe, he can find the willingness to find something to focus on to feel better, and in so doing, perhaps see more clearly…even though for well over 1.5 years now, “clarity” has been scarce, although “hope” has been abundant.
And if anyone has read this far, can read through his anger, can see that he knows that people really do care and we are all just doing our best in these weird, whacky and transformative times and feels called to lend assistance…….
he needs toothpaste, a large box of kleenex, laundry money, perhaps some simple service for money exchange (but can’t think of what he woudl enjoy) and alot of Love, Compassion and Understanding. At least till he feels better. 
The End. LOL”
Through comments from some friends and a deep discussion with another, I’ve realized something quite interesting to me about last nights encounter with the young homeless girl.
I didn’t want to give her money in order to “fix” her “problem” or better her situation. I wasn’t inspired because I saw her lacking or trouble and wanted to ease her “pain”. In fact, I didn’t see any of that.
I wanted to give her money in order to support her dream. Because she touched my heart with her explanation of why she was there on the street. Because she didn’t act like a victim and knew why she was there.
Nothing has gone wrong here. Yes, it’s sad at times. But I’m not looking at a problem life that needs fixing. I’m looking at the perfect unfolding of a beautiful soul, a soul with a dream, on a path.
Yes, I wanted to give the girl money. Yes, I wanted to buy the girl her guitar. But not because she “needs” it. Because I honor her vision, I honor her path and I understand that her, sitting on the street, asking for money is as much a valid, viable, important piece of her life path as sleeping in my car and eating from food banks was for me. As viable and important and real and perfect as some of my friends continuting their quest for financial success, or the perfect relationship, or the most awesomest place to live. And because the generosity toward me from strangers and friends through these last few years lives on in my heart.
I want to give her money because I love her. Because I see myself in her. Because she is me. And because it would bring me (and her) great joy!
But I couldn’t give her money. And that’s just as well. Instead, I gave her everything I have to give right now in my life: time, inquiry, love, presence, acceptance, affirmation, encouragement.
And guess what? I don’t know about her, but for myself, what I gave her brought me great joy. As much as if I had bought the guitar for her.
So when she gets the guitar, what then? Perhaps she’ll sit on that same street, or another one, playing her guitar for money. Or not. I don’t know. And it doesn’t really matter to me, because I know that whatever she does will be perfectly fine.
Gob bless you young girl. May you find joy, fun, security and all the feelings you ever want to feel, whether you get your money or your guitar or a home. May you feel fulfilled, safe and loved. And thank you, for touching my life and the lives of others through me.
“Spare any change?” asked the young girl sitting just up from the Promenade and Santa Monica Blvd.
“I’m sorry I can’t right now,” I replied. Which is indeed the truth.
10 steps later I turned around, gently walked back to her, kneeled down on one knee and loving asked “Why are you here?”
“I’ve been homeless since I was 18,” she says to me, “so I figured I’d come to California because….well, why not?”
My heart went out to here. She couldn’t have been more than, oh 20 or 21. And she said it with such longevity, near permanence. “Yeah. I was homeless alot last year,” I replied, “so I understand.”
“And I’m a signer/songwriter and right now I’m just trying to raise enough money to get my own guitar.”
“Are you borrowing one now?” I inquired.
“Yeah I am, but that’s down on Venice. See when I get my own guitar I’ll feel a lot better about, ya know…..” and she trailed off.
“Alright. Keep the faith. If I had money to give you I certainly would. Good luck.”
And away I went, forever touched by this young woman’s words and vision and perseverance. Had I $100 on me, I would have given it to her right then and there. If I had been walking with friends I would have insisted they empty their pockets for her.
I know I did alot just honoring and befriending her. But I want to do so much more. For all the homeless.
“I’ve been homeless since I was 18,” she said. Powerful words.
Dating, looking for a job, auditioning, looking for a home — whatever else you want to throw in this pile — are NOT ”a numbers game”!
That thought is based in lack, scarcity and the old paradigm of having to push, strive and search in order to make one thing happen. This horribly limits what the Universe is capably of offering to you, and even more so, significantly limits what you are able to ALLOW into your experience.
Every time I have needed a new place to stay or live in the last year and half, it has come to me in 3 phone calls or less. Often in 1 or no phone calls!
And when I let go of the “number game” mindset in dating — the need to “get” somewhere or someone through effort and action — I relaxed and started having more dates.
And back when I was looking for work, it felt the worst, and still does, to be blanketing my resume out there in an untargeted way, just to get one job. That always felt like trying to fit myself into a job situation, versus selecting a job/career/business venture that fits me.
Let’s do away with this old “numbers game”, “it’s gonna take time and effort” “needle in a haystack” philosophy about life and start embracing the magical power of creation that we ALL truly have, whether you believe it or not
But don’t take my word as gospel. Think this over for yourself. The “numbers game” approach may feel good to you. That’s the true litmus test — does it feel good to YOU?
If it doesn’t, try on my idea here. See where it leads you.
Today’s a special day!
Not only is it the 1 1/2 year anniversary of when I left my apartment in Studio City, CA and began this profound, intense, hilarious, amazing, wild ride of an adventure into Surrender, Abundance, Money, Transformation, Financial Security, Love, Beauty, Play, Fun, Games, Being and Well-Being, but it’s also….
…I Love My Life Monday!
That’s a new, sorta daily holiday I created this last Saturday morning when I awoke and felt like it was a holiday, but no one had named it.
Wow. One and half years. That’s a while linearly. But since there’s no time or space, well, Idon’t know how to measure this time period.
And today, I love my life. Recent events and comments from others have shown me how good I have it. People expressing envy at my level of freedom and how little I own. Myself feeling more money coming to me….a very large sum is definitely here or on it’s way (I can FEEL it), starting my new book and exploring new games while temporarily letting go of my most played one.
And letting go of even more “agendas” particularly in game play and the actions I take any given day.
The new book is all about my story of the last few years, told from the perspective of the myths and insights I’ve experienced regarding Financial Security, which of course includes money and Abundance.
And it’s gonna be a FREE eBook. So everyone can read it. Yay!!
Today I even created a few more book titles. Gosh I’ve learned SO much in 1 and 1/2 years!!! So many things to share now.
Soon, I’ll be sharing my story all over the place!
Ya know, in the last almost year and a half, I have been steeped in the profound effects and experiences of surrender. For a long time, that surrender seemed to be in the form of letting go of things: loosing my income, apartment, cell service, my business, my bank accounts and credit cards, my car, etc.
But along the way it also encompassed lossing old ways of thinking, being and oding in the world: the belief that money only comes from working a job or having a business; the idea that I wasn’t safe or secure without money; the idea that I needed to have passive income in order to have security and freedom (which is not entirely true); the idea that I was supposed to work hard and be driven, have goals, etc; the idea that if I wanted something I had to back it up with action 1st, then what I wanted would come later.
In the surrendering of old ideas/beliefs/patterns within me, was birthed new ones. See I didn’t just “let them go”. I actually shifted into a new way of thinking/feeling/being/believing and the old ways simply fell away. It really was that easy.
And now, as I am several days into a break from my video game — one that was decided upon NOT due to shortage of funds, but decided from my heart — I find myself in an interesting empty space. Yes, I will most likely go back to playing the game some day. I do really enjoy it after all, and have learned alot from playing it, not to mention created a wonderful little personal empire in it.
But I stepped away from playing for a bit in order to make space for something new, which I can feel coming. In that stepping away, I have less “to do” during the day than ever before. And it’s grand! But potentially anxious.
What I am now realizing is that there is more to surrender than just letting go of things, people or patterns. It’s deeper than that. It’s truly being present with whatever is in this very moment.
This is the Ultimate Surrender.
For a a few weeks now, I thought the core question behind the Ultimate Surrender was:
“If my life stayed exactly as it is, all the conditions and situations, can I accept this and be happy and content with it?”
Whenever I chewed on this question a bit, my heart would get all choked up and I couldn’t say anything. The fear of things remaining the same gripped me, even slightly, but enough to shut me down for a bit. But this question focuses primarily on conditions and situations. As co-creator of my life, I know that this is giving my power away to these conditions, etc. This is victim hood. This is forgetting my eternal nature and inherent power to choose where to put my focus; choose to be happy.
As of Tuesday night, I now see the core questions as much deeper and different. Which is…..
“Can I be completely present with “What Is”, lovingly allowing all things to be as they are, right here and right now?”
So, me thinks the the Ultimate Surrender is NOT one of things, actions, behaviors, conditions or situations — although I personally had to walk through those surrenders to get to this one — but one of being present and allowing, finding love and joy in all things in the moment. Seeing everything, including the moment as perfect, no matter what. Not rushing (which is just based on a judgement) or pushing toward anything, while still holding true to the vision and feelings I want for my life experience.
When I can do this, then I will have reached the Ultimate Surrender!
There is power in Allowing and Appreciation. More than we realize me thinks!